The First of Many

Teething is the name of her game and the name of my game is ambivalence.  Since becoming a new parent I have been told over and over that the teething process is going to be long and hard.  I was told that sleepless nights and cranky days are on the menu and there was no opt out option.  When I tell people that Lil is teething they give me this look of pity and try to give me some words of wisdom or encouragement.  I started to feel like I was the little engine that could as I started to climb that final hill.  However, as we continue down the unavoidable road of life a tired, cranky baby is the last thing I am thinking about.  What I am discovering is that as the milestones come and go my heart seems to get a little heavier.  This may all sound crazy but along with my joy there is always a little despair to follow.  I spend countless hours wondering what she'll be like and I dream of hearing her laughing and watching her dance.  I can't wait to see who she will become.  But it wasn't until that first tooth that I honestly felt the sadness and have come to recognize the curse that hides behind the joy, the haunting shadow in the midst of beauty, the sting of motherhood.  As mothers we create to allow creation, we bless to allow blessings, we grow to allow growth, and we give to allow giving.  Our babies will make their own babies and in order to do that they must leave.  That first tooth was my first of many empty breaths that will remind me that she is not mine.  She will steal my heart everyday of her life and in the end I will have to watch her go.  Life from here on will be like the haunting melody that carries your heart across the sky just to bring you to the end.